Thursday, May 3, 2007

Who knows..

I may reach the end of this entry and not even submit it. Maybe I will type this and get it all out and move on...at least I can hope for that.

So I left you guys with my first Denmark post a while ago. I'll fill in the rest of that before I launch into the clusterfuck of late.

My trip was good. Am I a world traveler who just didnt know it? Nah. Dont get me wrong, seeing my friends was great, but that was the reason I went and the reason I enjoyed the trip. Even with the neat stuff I did see and photograph, I could have gone my life without those experiences and I wouldnt be lacking anything.

I did not have any cigarettes in Denmark, and I have not had any since I have been back. I've now been smoke free since March 9th, so thats....ermmmm....almost 2 months. It seems much longer than that.

My gf also quit, however, it seems as if the cigarettes were the glue that was holding her together. Upon arriving home, a bout of fairly bad depression hit her for whatever reason, but she signed up for the prozac nation plan and all seems to be well now. I guess I am an asshole for feeling like the drugs have made my generation weak in comparison to previous ones. Maybe its just technology period causing the weakening. Who knows, shes better now, while I walk on eggshells afraid to set anything off. I should probably get with the times and join the brave new world myself.

SO, amidst not smoking and walking on eggshells, theres an ongoing shutout between myself and a certain alcoholic I am related to. Classic case of "you're wrong..." "no, you're wrong..." but its just one of those situations where I feel like I cant give in, otherwise I just continue the cycle that has existed for a very long time. But, if I break the cycle, can the relationship survive? If I continue the cycle, how long before I get emotionally abused again? At least when I did my stint as a professional drunk I was happy about it. This has gone on for the past week...did I mention the conversation that started all of this occurred on the night before my first final for this semester?

Finals have gone fairly well, one more on saturday and I'll be done. I may actually make the presidents list this semester. Yeah yeah, so I should have been doing that a long time ago. It all hinges on me making a good grade on my Jazz/Pop history final. Should be able to pull that one off.

Before this entry gets you too down, let me say 8 hours on the river with your little brother does a soul much good. It's even better when those 8 hours are interrupted by several catfish, from a 35# flathead to a couple of blues in the 10# range like it was tuesday night.

I really really wish I could make some pointless happy post or tell you about the wonderful things I am doing, but it just doesnt work that way. No matter how much I try to "change my outlook on things" or "look at the world from another perspective" the bottom line still sucks. I'm a 30 year old washed up musician who has "(gone) back to school to learn how to lie to you better" (bonus cool points for anyone who gets that reference). Even the band I am in now doesnt serve any enjoyable purpose for me most of the time - it's almost like I am doing it just because it's what I have done for so long. Please dont think this is some outcry for attention or ego building...for fucks sake alot of people in this world have it worse than me...I just need to remember that.

In the absence of hitting the lottery without even playing it, or some wonderful person handing me a million dollars so I can just say fuck it and disappear for a while, I'll do as Mr Band Director Guy mentions, and "Put on my big boy pants and deal with it."

So on that note I'm gonna go and repeat that phrase like my new mantra.

N.

1 comment:

Band Director Guy said...

You must call me or send me an email. I still don't have your phone number. Let's commiserate (fucking spelling!!ARGH!)